5 tips for being the funniest person on any Zoom quiz.
Want to spice up your family or company quiz by being the funniest guy or gal on there but don’t know how? Well worry no more. I’m here with my 5 top tips to do just that.
And trust me, I know quizzes. I’ve done around 3,000 since lockdown began. Plus, last year I made a net loss of £6,000 doing comedy. So I know funny too.
Just follow my advice and wait for the laughs. Just don’t do what I did and be so funny you haven’t been invited to one in weeks.
Do it really well? A career in comedy could be on the cards. Zoom calls are often hacked by blokes yelling racist abuse or masturbating. One day, one of those guys just might be a casting agent for 8 out of 10 Cats Does Countdown.
Do not waste that opportunity.
1. Give yourself a funny name
This is key. This is how you set the tone and let your family, friends or colleagues know they’re dealing with a pure banter merchant. How else will they know that the Chuckles Express has just left LOL Central Station, and is running non-stop to Funny Town?
Remember, be provocative. People are sad right now and they want cheering up. So go in strong. Do NOT take this task lightly. They’re all counting on you.
Sure, ‘Jimmy’ entering the chat might be exciting for the mother who hasn’t seen her son’s face in a while. But ‘Jimmy the Fuck Cunt’ is 100%, undiluted banter for the whole family.
It’s so easy to cheer people this way too.
“Sorry about your loss, Auntie June, but wipe those tears away, ‘Susan’s Massive Arsehole’ wants to join the call.”
Or “I know there have been a lot of redundancies, many of you have lost friends and are worried about your own jobs, but fret no more, team, ‘cos ‘Gerry’s Fat Dick’ has just dialled in and he’s bringing the funnies.”
You get the picture.
Bonus tip: Struggling to come up with a funny name? Write down lots of adjectives (Massive, Huge, Ginormous, Gaping etc) and put them in a hat. Then put lots of slang for genitalia in another hat. Let fate do the rest. For added lols, put both the hats on too.
2. NEVER miss an opportunity to suggest someone is looking up an answer
Zoom banter 101.
Someone gets up to go to the loo, they’re on their phone, their connection is lost or they pause their screen. You must, without missing a beat, go ‘Oh [name]’s just googling it’. WITHOUT FAIL. You’d be amazed how many times people miss open goals with this.
I recently did a company wide quiz with over 300 colleagues and didn’t miss once. Turns out I was on mute. Long story short, I’ve since made a complaint to HR regarding censorship.
3. If someone’s phone falls over, you MUST accuse them of falling over
Short, simple, deadly. But, again, you must do this every single time. I can’t stress this enough.
If you’re feeling confident, combine this with the previous tip. Hit ’em with a one-two. ‘Oops, Gina’s fallen over trying to Google the answer.’ It doesn’t matter that it makes literally no sense at all. They’ll be too busy laughing to notice.
4. Pretend to be on mute and mouth funny stuff
It was a tough choice between this one or pretending to talk to someone out of shot who isn’t actually there. I’ve gone with this as it’s a straight up, easy to execute classic.
Just pretend that you’re on mute and mouth words. Possibly something a bit risqué. Make it look like you’re calling your mum a bitch or something. She’ll love it.
And sure, doing it for like 5 or 6 seconds is funny, but for maximum results, do this for 20 to 30 minutes. Really let those idiots think you’re on your mute. Then 3 quarters of the way into the quiz just start speaking. You’ll probably want to mute everyone else after this so their laughter doesn’t damage your eardrums.
If you really want it go off. Stay silent for the whole quiz. Every second of it. Then text someone 3 years later with the big reveal.
5. Drop in 00s comedy movie quotes whenever you can
If sarcasm is the lowest form of wit, then quoting 00s comedies is probably the highest. This goes double on a Zoom quiz. So Stay Alert for any opportunities.
People start arguing about an answer, give it a ‘well that escalated quickly’ from Anchorman. Hear a question you really like? Give it a big fat ‘it’s niiiice’ in your best Borat voice.
Not technically a movie, but remember the Budweiser adverts, the ‘wassuuuup’ ones? Well someone on your quiz might not. So make sure to ask them, then do the biggest ‘wassuuuup’ you can muster. Any straight white guys on the call will find it impossible not to join in.
Maybe even try and get a gallery view version of the ad going. Film it, send it to Unilad and prepare to be a viral sensation. Think how many retweets Captain Tom got. That could be you. Don’t fuck this up.
… and don’t forget to set a funny background.